Hey internet people. I know it’s been a while, but as I’m sure you know by now, my excuse will be that I’ve been hard at work serving the good people who need to buy clothes and housewares and other such things. And I have been, time spent lying on the couch watching TV or with my boyfriend aside. But the funny thing about my job is that, as much as it distracts me from posting and writing and doing all of the things I’m supposed to be doing, it also tends to inspire a lot of my posts. Let’s face it–I spend a BIG chunk of my life in that store. And let’s face it. Sometimes, our customers are just INSANE.

And, as you may have guessed, I’m bringing you a few tales from my glory days in retail with this post. Are you ready? Probably not. But here we go.

The other day I was working at the service desk (cash register) when a man stormed into the store (as much as someone can STORM through automatic doors) and shouts “WHERE ARE THE WOMEN’S BELTS?” My coworker pointed towards the belts, and the man disappeared for a while, only to return mysteriously holding what were, in fact, women’s sandals. Admittedly, they looked like someone had worn them a bit and then returned them, as the soles were a bit dirty. But he slams them down on the counter and says adamantly, “I’ll take them for half.” Obviously, everyone in the near area just looks at him for a minute, like “Is this guy serious?” because most of us realize we’re at an actual department store and not, in fact, a garage sale or street market in Italy. After a few seconds of awkward silence, my coworker takes them and goes through the usual markdown procedure. This, of course, outrages the man, and he repeats “I’ll take them for half,” about four more times before storming off.What he wanted with a pair of green wedge flip flops, I’ll never know.

The next customer I’d like to tell you about is one of my person favorites, if only because I was so surprised by the occurrence.  I was minding my own business, cleaning up the housewares area (or as we call it “60/80) when, out of the corner of my eye, I notice a rather large girl sitting on what HAS to be a “decorative only” stool that we had sitting out on display (like all our furniture is). This would have been upsetting enough even if I hadn’t turned to face her full on and realized something shocking–she was not wearing pants. And no, I don’t mean she was wearing a short skirt or leggings. I mean I could see nothing but legs, a little bit of butt cheek, and neon green swim suit bottoms. In the middle of the store. A bright yellow t-shirt and neon green swim suit bottoms. Sitting on the merchandise, no less. I, of course, did what anyone would have done–I dashed off, contemplating the necessity of adding “no pants” to those “no shirts, no shoes, no service” signs.

So basically, the moral of the story is… when you work in retail, you see a lot of things you wish you hadn’t seen. People do a lot of things in public places that I would never dream of doing (yelling through a store, quarreling over prices, not wearing pants), but at least it keeps me entertained.